In two months, a new year arrived, as I left winter behind. I’ve made new friends, drank one too many vodka tonics, fell into a depression, and completely lost myself.
1488 hours ago, I thought I had lost my best friend, the love of my life. Without this person, I lost all abilities to live on my own. I couldn’t breathe, my world was immediately submersed into an alternate dark universe. I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing. I suffocated myself into believing lies, letting go of anyone or anything that tried to pull me out of this hole. I let myself keep drowning, I let go of my dreams, my vision, my purpose. Every night my tears were my lullaby to bed, my waking screams, being the alarm, starting my day.
1488 hours ago, I did not loose my best friend, I only lost myself. Daily, people take different routes in life, it is one of the most natural occurrences. That is what happened with this person and I. We never stopped loving each other, it was just our time to take a different path, to overcome obstacles on our own, to be an individual. It took me two months to realize and accept this, that I needed to grow and discover who I am, on my own. I will NEVER stop loving this person, but I am finally ready to end this pause, that I have placed in my life and move forward.
So what’s next for me? It’s back to drooling over Prozena Schouler, letting go of vodka tonics, and running towards my dreams.
I stepped out my door, trying to get fresh air, but I’m surrounded by memories of you, my life is consumed by you.
From getting my morning latte at Vivace, to my pink hair bow, and even my philosophy shower gel, you’ve left a trace of yourself in every aspect of my life. I stepped into the Ballard Cinema today, and my tears could not stop pouring. My heart ached, I felt helpless not even able to call you.
My life is unbearable without you by my side. What happened to us, where did you go? As tight as I hold onto these memories, they wont last forever. I need you, you are my backbone, my better half, my everything. I can’t function, I don’t need clothes, food, or anything for that matter. You’re all that I want.
My heart is shattered and you’re the only person that can put the pieces back together. I’m sorry for everything. I need you.
This month, I will get the following done:
-Ombre my hair RED (check)
-Getting my nose pierced (check)
-Get a solid black cross tattoo (check)
-Finish knitting my 4 unfinished scarves (check)
-Get some freelance make-up and styling gigs (check)
-Drink copious amounts of wine (check)
-Road trip to Orcas Island with Jo (booked)
-Make a few more dream-catchers (check)
-Run 5 miles a day (2 miles..)
-Be honest (check)
-Bake cupcakes galore (…)
**Overall I accomplished most of the things on my to-list. I am both shocked and proud of myself for following through.**
